I dont think anyone even is on here anymore. But tonight I need to just write. Write down these feelings that I know I shouldn't be having.
I am resisting the urge to self-harm right now. I know better. It's been years, talking probably 8 years since I have.
You'd think that life would be amazing right now. I just graduated with my nursing degree, my sister got engaged, I interviewed for a nursing job.
Nope. There's been so much drama/back and forth about the job situation that I feel like I am in the wrong field or at least working for the wrong company. However, if I leave I owe back $4000. So I will suck it up and continue to work as a nursing assistant until I hear about a nursing job. I'm completely stuck in limbo right now and I hate it. There is ZERO communication about the interview I had. A possible job on my unit that has been open for weeks now but my boss is a joke.
I should be happy about my sister right. Nope. I am to a point. But seriously I've been single seven fucking years, plenty of dates and putting myself out there. I mean hours on dating apps, etc. NOTHING. I cant even find a freaking boyfriend and shes getting married. My brother has been with his girlfriend for six years. so of course I feel like the seventh wheel for EVERYTHING. I've always been the black sheep of my family and this makes me feel even worse. No one realizes the stress I am under, the horrible feelings I'm having, the fact that I'm lying in bed bawling my eyes out.
I'm absolutely miserable in my life and I'm 100% stuck. I owe so much in student loans that I can't move out right now but I also don't have a better job with two freaking degrees under my belt now.
The thought of moving out stresses me even more. I'm so afraid of becoming a recluse living in an apartment by myself. I've never lived 100% on my own, always had a roomate which kept me social.
At this rate I will work my life away and live with some cats. Be single, lonely and a recluse. I mentally can't get myself out of this when I know that I'm the only person that can.