new year; new beginnings

time for some changes

Haha I just got a nudge. I havent posted in here in ages. Maybe later this week I will. Lots to update Tatum about ;)

(no subject)
I dont think anyone even is on here anymore. But tonight I need to just write. Write down these feelings that I know I shouldn't be having.

I am resisting the urge to self-harm right now. I know better. It's been years, talking probably 8 years since I have.

You'd think that life would be amazing right now. I just graduated with my nursing degree, my sister got engaged, I interviewed for a nursing job.

Nope. There's been so much drama/back and forth about the job situation that I feel like I am in the wrong field or at least working for the wrong company. However, if I leave I owe back $4000. So I will suck it up and continue to work as a nursing assistant until I hear about a nursing job. I'm completely stuck in limbo right now and I hate it. There is ZERO communication about the interview I had. A possible job on my unit that has been open for weeks now but my boss is a joke.

I should be happy about my sister right. Nope. I am to a point. But seriously I've been single seven fucking years, plenty of dates and putting myself out there. I mean hours on dating apps, etc. NOTHING. I cant even find a freaking boyfriend and shes getting married. My brother has been with his girlfriend for six years. so of course I feel like the seventh wheel for EVERYTHING. I've always been the black sheep of my family and this makes me feel even worse. No one realizes the stress I am under, the horrible feelings I'm having, the fact that I'm lying in bed bawling my eyes out.

I'm absolutely miserable in my life and I'm 100% stuck. I owe so much in student loans that I can't move out right now but I also don't have a better job with two freaking degrees under my belt now.

The thought of moving out stresses me even more. I'm so afraid of becoming a recluse living in an apartment by myself. I've never lived 100% on my own, always had a roomate which kept me social.

At this rate I will work my life away and live with some cats. Be single, lonely and a recluse. I mentally can't get myself out of this when I know that I'm the only person that can.

It has been a week since I have been off my Paxil completely. A few months ago I decided with my Dr to try to get off all my meds. I started at 40mg of Paxil and am now off. The only thing I noticed is I cry extremely easily. I'll be watching couple's therapy and I start tearing up at the sad parts. I am still on my Lamictal (anti seizure for mood stablization). I am on a extremely small dose (normal is 250+ I'm on 100). After I have been off the Paxil for 6+ weeks I am to start cutting back the Lamictal. Will it all work or last? Who knows. It is worth a shot. I really feel like I need to start seeing someone again though. I'm in such a rut.

I live with my parents. Been out of school for a year and in the same job for 4 years (been a CNA for 7 years). I need something new. I don't go out because I'm 45 minutes from where my "friends" are. I use the term "friends" loosely. I really only have two friends.

At the end of June we got an e-mail from my aunt that she has breast cancer. In a little over a week she will have a lumpectomy and then start chemo. The original plan was short term radiation and now it is chemo for roughly a year. Everytime I think about it I start to cry. I have never had anyone this close to me have cancer. <3 I don't have much money so I am planning on doing my extreme couponing to help send some things to her & my uncle.

At the same time my brother lost his job (less than a month after him & his gf of 3 years broke up). I am very protective of him, hes the baby. I feel like I've done so much in my short life that I don't want him to experience. He has a car payment, rent, tuition & books. We don't get much assistance with school because my dad apparently makes too much. If he could he would help with tuition but he financially can not. So I've been doing my extreme couponing for him (6 free deoderants & three tubes of toothpaste for free). He did file for unemployment & is getting food stamps as well. Hey he paid so much into it why not use it when in the situation he is. He is one person that I will not complain about supporting with my taxes lol. He was suppose to paint our neighbors house this week and now today the neighbor called my mom (they're friends) and said no I don't want him to do it in case he falls/gets hurt/etc. I get it but it was an extra $200 in his pocket he wouldve had. And with school starting in a little over a month he could've used it.

August 3rd I am doing a 6K. I am beyond nervous because I haven't done much walking since my back stuff. However it's for the Sikh Temple, the location of the shooting a year ago August 5th in what I consider my home town.

I noticed I have been beyond indecisive lately. More so than usual. I am selling my kindle because I never use it. I have someone all lined up & now I am second guessing if I want to sell. I don't know why because I've seriously used it on my michigan trip & my california trip. twice in over a year. I don't buy books because I never re-read them. Plus on the Kindle I can't share with someone. Why am I second guessing?

(no subject)

I'm currently in california. I'm absolutely miserable right now its been a shitty day and honestly I'm ready to go home. Three more full days here....


I'm reading!!! But I'm without a computer
So I sent my computer in and have had to read on my phone hence the lack of comments. I will post soon because I have so much to update on. Some of you have seen my health posts on facebook. Well I go to another doctor next week so I won't know much until then and the mri.

I'm cleaning out my friends list.
Please remove me from your list as well.


friends cut.
so im having a hard time keeping up with my life let alone my friends page.
these people either don't comment or i just dont have an interest.
please remove me.


gossip girl
guess who is watching the first season of gossip girl right now? that would be me! i checked the target ad online and saw it was on sale for $17. Totally left right away to go buy it =] I'm so in love with it. & Gavin said he'll watch it with me when we hang out =]

this are going better. i start my 12-day stretch of work tomorrow. thursday is only 5 hours but friday is 7am-1130pm. im crazy but I need the money. especially after being off for 3 days when sick.

gavin comes back thursday. but i won't see him til the following tuesday =[. i have such a middle school crush on him. marc and i have been talking alot still & he laughs at me for not wanting to officially be with gavin. i'm not ready for a "boyfriend". i want to get to know him better yet. I still haven't figured him out.
he called me a few times today. i talked to johnathon[his son & idk if thats spelled right]. he's too cute. too bad gavin made him ask me when he was gonna meet me. wtf i barely have hung out with gavin & hes telling his son to ask me that? lol. granted I prolly wouldve met him already if he lived here.
i guess im just protecting myself here. i don't know what to expect or anything. i mean ive always dated older guys just not this much older. i guess we'll figure it out as things progress. i don't want to sleep with him yet until i figure everything out.

oh & i so totally have no shaved my legs since me & him met...two fridays ago! lol i showed my coworker & she wants me to not shave until she gets back to town on the 3rd. =] thats gonna be 3 weeks ill have to take pics cuz they are bad now. but its a dare and i gotta do it.

anyone want to do the coding for a new layout for me?

Friends cut.
im cleaning out my communities and friends list.
i have a bunch of useless unused journals/unactive people


those who are cut please remove me from your list as well.
those who are left can you please reccomend someone who is active?


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